Exploring Role Models

Was writing out some questions for a leadership meeting that I'm facilitating at the end of this week for work. This is the article that the dialogue will be based on: http://www.nytimes.com/2008/06/10/education/10asians.html?_r=1

The article is about Asian Pacific Americans in higher education. It speaks to the invisibility and mis/underrepresentation of APA's in society and in higher education. What I'm focusing on in my facilitation is the need for diversity in role models.

I defined "role model" simply as someone that you can relate to and aspire to be like. It's probably improper to end a sentence with "like," but I thought it was appropriate because it seems like an unhealthy obsession to want to BE someone... whereas if you want to be like / similar to someone, with their best qualities in mind, that seems ideal for healthy aspiration.

My first question asks us to explore what our own role models were while growing up, as well as who they are in the present.

I took a few minutes to come up with a list of my own. A majority of them ended up being women, and a little less than half were of Asian descent.

I went through the list and noted the most notable, here, in no particular order [and I'm not sure if it's because I'm becoming a feminist and going through an angst-ridden sexism against men phase, but they all turned out to be women]:

• Sailor Mars
• Really the only Sailor Scout that was actually Japanese. And the point was that she was Asian and looked like me. And was badass.
• the Yellow Mighty Morphin' Power Ranger
• Also looked like me. And was also badass.
• my (step-)aunt Deb
• It's more of a recent realization that I feel very distant not only from my Chinese relatives, but from my Canadian ones. In all truth, it's because I don't see or talk to them much at all... there's the literal distance, the language barrier, and the fact that I'm not a phone person. 
• From the few interactions I've had with my aunt, I have realized what an awesome person and great role model she is. This is how I perceive her: She lives for herself, she is her own person, she stands for what she believes in, she speaks out for what she believes in.... she is an activist and an ally.
• Sia, my first roommate
• It's still hilarious that we were destined to be roommates. The Tanzanian girl that loved Asian culture and the Chinese girl that hated being Asian. I'm not sure why no one ever had a serious conversation with me about my hate of being Asian. Or maybe they did. I don't know why I never had a serious conversation with myself until this past semester. 
• We had a love-hate relationship, but I look up to her exactly as I look up to my aunt Deb. She lives for herself, she is her own person, she stands for what she believes in, and she speaks out for what she believes in. I'm not sure that she's an activist in the sense that my aunt is, but she is an ally and an activist in the sense that she is unafraid to speak out against social injustice. 
• Lin, my first-year RA, coworker, and friend
• I'm pretty sure that if Lin [and Sia] hadn't reached out to me, I'd still be in an anti-social box. With Lin's support, leadership, late night talks, mischievous times, and bluntness, I... well, I'd still be in THE BOX. I would never go anywhere. But because she was such an amazing RA and friend, I [and Sia] felt a push to TRY. To CHANGE. To step out of my comfort zones. It is a perpetual push, and it can only lead me higher. 
• Nancy, a childhood friend, reunited in high school, and still close
• I keep following in her footsteps without even realizing it. Most notably, it was car rides, big sweaters, anime, Western comics, working at a campus Multi-Cultural Center, and being aware of the APA community. I continue to learn from her, and even though I pick up on these realizations fairly slowly, I am glad that I can pick up on them eventually. 
• Charlene, my main supervisor at the Multi-Cultural Center from last semester
• Without the guidance of Charlene [and support from the rest of the staff and intern cohort], I don't think I would be in this state of awareness of social justice issues and personal growth. Through one-on-ones with her, I explored my past, my present, my triggers. I realized the extent of my internalized racism. And I grew from that.  
• The women from the APAHE conference
• Even though it's been a couple weeks, I am still marveling at the fact that there were women who reminded me of my own mother that spoke openly about the truths to the stereotypes of Asian parents. 
• Other than that, I learned an unbelievable amount from them, and also from the men, but mostly the women I took to heart. 
• Charlyne Yi
• Well, she looks just like me and is awkward like me, which is weird... but... good, because she is successful and around the same age as me and she didn't even go to college!!!!
• Trina, a friend and fellow artist
• I was really intimated by her at first... because she's really fuckin cool! 
• I learned to accept that it's totally okay and awesome to openly be geeky and Asian. And there's nothing wrong with a sexual culture. I don't know why porn stores and sex toys and sex are so taboo. Not everyone does it, but a lot of people do. Babies are friggin everywhere. 
• In recent times, we've been exploring ideas for future collaborative art shows [hopefully next year, super stoked]. Our themes have mainly been focusing on Asian identity and our relationships with our parents and others. Been learning a lot from Trina, too. Other than a friend, she is very much like a mentor to me right now. 

This semester for sure, I think I can say that I am finally starting to love life for what it is and to love MYSELF for who I am and who I am becoming. And I truly appreciate the fact that I have these connections with all these different people, and keep learning same and different things continuously. 

I don't really want to be in school forever, but I do want to be a student forever. 

On Being Asian

Two things: 

1. My current big project: Childhood Struggles Storybook. It is a collection of stories and images of anything students, faculty, and staff from my school consider to be childhood struggles. Racism, ableism, homophobia, bed wetting, anything.
1. The project was inspired by my explorations in my first semester as a Social Justice Art Intern at my campus' Multi-Cultural Center. 
2. I can't recall exactly how it all started... but it ended up with the questions, "Why am I so apathetic? Why do I hate being Asian? How can I have a better relationship with my mum?"
3. And then I realized how it mostly all started... 
1. Asian stereotype truth: The raised level of expectations for success by society and by parents. The fear of not maintaining that level. 
2. Comparing my friend's families with mine. Caucasian people seemed to be so cool with relaxed rules. Asian people seemed to always be brutally strict. I don't remember having African American friends, and I only remember a Mexican boy [or maybe he was Latino or Hispanic or mixed or something] and some older mixed girls that may have been part African American or Hispanic that bullied me. 
3. The racist bullying that led to much alienation and social awkwardness.
2. APAHE Conference (Asian Pacific Americans in Higher Education)
1. An incredible experience that I was fortunate enough and grateful to be invited and sponsored to attend. 
2. I didn't know what to expect, but in the end, I learned SO MUCH about subject matters I have been completely ignorant of my whole life! 
3. I learned about:
1. The underrepresentation of Asian Pacific Americans (APAs) in American society, particularly in the school systems where students are looking for mentors and people that they can relate to and, put simply, people that look like them.
1. The decline in numbers of APAs rising beyond faculty/staff positions in higher education (HE), while other minorities continue to rise beyond those faculty/staff positions. 
2. The invisibility of APAs
1. A lot of people think, "Oh, the Asians are doing fine. They're smart and successful. They don't need any help. They're not going through any struggles." FALSE.
2. I didn't even know there were Asians involved in the Dream Act. People that grew up in America. People that don't have any other "Asian" cultures to go back to. People that just want to go to school. 
3. "Asian" being an all-encompassing westernized concept. There is no single "Asian." There are Chinese, Vietnamese, Korean, Japanese, Hmong, Taiwanese, Thai, Cambodian, Laotian, etc. Although, I suppose "White" or "Caucasian" are also westernized concepts, as there are English, German, Dutch, Swiss, Russian, Polish, etc. 
4. How easy it is to simply ask, "May I join you?" Which is by far both the one giant leap for me. 
4. I think I was the only undergrad there. I met:
1. Older generations that shared their experiences with their own stereotypical Asian parents and the coinciding pressures.
2. Activists fighting to represent APAs in HE and elsewhere.
3. Authors, lawyers, deans, professors, librarians, artists, HUMAN BEINGS. 
4. People that reminded me of my own mother. People that face the injustices our very own society creates and perpetuates that stop us before we can even step on the doormat because of our almond-shaped eyes, our squished noses, our imperfect English, our yellow skin [or "olive complexion," as Kansas Rep. Connie O'Brien said], our equal skills that are seen as a threat to All-American jobs, our unrecognizable American patriotism, and our courage to keep fighting against the grain [which is culturally looked down upon, but we do it anyway because it is all we can do!]. 
5. Encouragement and openness to explaining matters that everyone else but the art undergrad [why is she even here?] already knows.
5. I was inspired:
1. To make some new paintings surrounding the Dream Act and the Vincent Chin case.
2. To become a teacher [whaaat, right?]
3. To make an effort to be more aware of issues in the APA community, and hopefully to become an active representative later on in life [as a teacher and artist].

///

AND SO, here are some truly thought-provoking questions [and my current responses that I hope to dwell upon and explore more] that my coworker, Megan, asked me after practicing our spiels for our project/program events. 

What stereotypes do/did you have of Asian-American’s?

• The following are mostly stereotypes I've had within my family, but that I have associated to Asian American/Canadian stereotypes. 
• Study hard, get success. Get bad grades, get humiliation and dishonor. 
• Bad grades = anything less than an A [ie: A- is not included]
• Study is first priority
• Hang out with friends later on in life, study now. Besides, you can't trust your friends to help you anyway. 
• Men are evil. Mostly Chinese men, then maybe blacks, then other minorities, and then whites. 
• Get a professional degree, achieve great financial success [whatever that means], support self-financially, then maybe you get married, but ONLY AFTER financially supporting self
• Don't talk to strangers, they will rape and kill you
• Eat rice, use soy sauce, yadda yadda asian food
• Take shoes off before walking around in house
• Asians are smart. Parents are strict. 
• Asians are skinny. 
• If you look like a punk, then you are stupid
• Judgement, constantly, always
• Bad driving
• Pandas
• Karate
• Born with knowledge of how to use chopsticks
• No sense of direction
• Can't understand sarcasm

What does it mean to be Chinese-American?

• [I am more proud of being Chinese-Canadian, but I have lived my life Chinese-American, just for clarification]
• It used to mean
• Study. Be smart. Get a professional degree. The end. 
• It now means
• I'm a human being who identifies with multiple cultural heritages/backgrounds. 
• I have to strive hard for success, but I get to define what success means. 
• I have to compromise with certain conflicting aspects of my different cultural backgrounds.
• I will try somehow to repay my parents not simply for what they have given me, but for the support [beyond the multitude of struggles] and dedication they have shown for me. 
• I have to learn how to appreciate my cultures [so far, very rewarding!]

Consider what you learned about the lived experience of Asian Americans at the conference you just attended?

• It's not just kids like me that go through these stereotypical Asian parent pressures. Even my parents may have gone through things like this. We are all human beings and we all come from similar and different places. 
• Not all Asian people are judgmental. And even if they are, that doesn't mean that they can't still learn to be open-minded. 
• There are people that don't speak English perfectly that are still networking and communicating in all these different outlets, like at schools and conferences. They are so proud, even when the stereotypes and pressures of society AND THEIR CULTURE tells them that they should be ASHAMED of their own CULTURE. 
• I'm not alone and my generation is not alone. This touches me the most. 

How have you been taught to see Chinese-American’s?

• Before
• Frugal
• Passive
• Judgmental 
• Mean, mean, mean
• Cook delicious foods
• Have sharp voices
• Stereotypical Chinese facial features
• Successful 
• Skinny
• Manipulative
• Don't like other Asians, but not as much as Koreans stereotypically don't like other Asians
• Currently
• Well, I still have a lot of the same stereotypes, but I'm becoming more open to the idea of Chinese Americans being HUMAN BEINGS coming from all sorts of different places. 

How did the conference break your expectations? Did they confirm your expectations? What kind of diversity did you see? How did people express themselves?

• I didn't actually have any expectations... except to learn and meet new people, and that expectation was DEFINITELY CONFIRMED. 
• And I guess I didn't expect to be the youngest one there. 
• There was a wide diversity of Asian cultures present, and a few allies. Mostly people over 30. I can't remember if there were more women or men... but in most of the presentations I went to, there were mostly women [especially in the workplace bullying discussion!!!].
• People were more or less really open. Some of them were even really... aggressive in wanting to share their stories lol Everyone seemed to understand the plights of APAHE. 
• Oh, and one thing I did notice... I'm not sure if it was because I was sleep deprived or not, but some people were REALLY DIFFICULT to understand. Like, not because of accents, but in the way that they presented their ideas??? It seemed like sometimes people would jump around subjects while grappling with them?? I'm not sure, but it was a lot less straightforward, which I believe is a cultural and generational thing. 

What influence of assimilation and Anglo-centric norms and your own perception of your cultural heritage led you to begin to want to seek deeper meaning than the stereotypical ignorant notions of what it means to be both Chinese and an American woman living in the United States?

• I always idolized/idealized WHITE PEOPLE. Maybe because my step-dad is white [not actually sure what his ethnic origins are] and has been the stereotypical chill white dad. Although, I think it's kind of funny that he is passive aggressive and my mum is... well, she is also passive aggressive, but I feel that she really tries hard to talk about things. I'm pretty sure this is because of the city I grew up in. Something about it. Weird. 
• White people are the dominant majority. White people just get grounded, but "grounded" is just what regular studying was to me, in retrospect. You know, now that I think about it, I don't know why I idolize white people. They're not that great. They're not that different. Yeah, they have privileges that I can't have because of the way I look. So I'm jealous of that, I guess. 
• I always made fun of being Asian. I called myself white-washed. I used to not eat rice very often, nor use chopsticks, nor drink tea. I related to all the youtube videos and internet memes that made fun of Asian parents. I can still relate, but I don't enjoy it all the time like I used to. 
• I relate my experiences with TACO BELL to my experiences with coming to terms with being Asian. 
• I used to hate Taco Bell. Why? Because... their bathrooms stunk. WHAT? A BIG FAST FOOD CHAIN'S BATHROOMS STUNK?
• I used to hate being Asian. Why? Because... the stereotypes, the pressure of expectations, the perceived parental oppression [which was brought up in one of the APAHE presentations... it's mostly in our heads. Most of the time.].
• I gave Taco Bell a chance. Why? I can't remember, but Sola and I hung out there a lot. And I LOVED IT. 
• I am giving being Asian a chance. Why? Because I'm tired of HATING MYSELF for EXISTING. And I'm starting to really appreciate my culture and existing now. 
• THE MULTI-CULTURAL CENTER IS AMAZING. So much guidance and pushing to explore the WHAT'S and WHY'S. 

Lots of good stuff upcoming...

Beginning concept sketches for a comic about my college experience.

The introduction.

An idea that has been in my head for a while.

Also an idea that has been in my head for a while.

A more recent idea that has probably been done... this one is just a concept sketch.

Ugh need internet.