Oh.

Just realized that pretty much all the people images I see in patterns are white people.

This started out as one of them and then I made that realization lol HARSH YELLOW WIN? HARSHELLOW. MARSHMALLOW.

A hand, a foot, and a head

Not too bad for procrastinating until the night before. Couldn't figure out how to paint my foot. Eek. Hair is really flat now that I look at it. Uh. And didn't really know how to create an environment... thought about one of Jason Sho Green's blogs and his learning about using doors or something for environments??

Also, colors aren't exactly accurate [Camera and bad lighting]. I used orange/white and purple lol

Things that I am afraid of

A list that reminds me I am human, even though I don't really need more reminders. 

• Losing my parents to death or to alzheimers 
• Spiders
• Losing the use of my hands
• Losing my vision
• Vaginas
• Penises
• The intersection of vaginas and penises and/or other things
• Being stuck in loneliness
• Being homeless
• Losing my memory
• Not dying in a terrible accident
• The destruction of my stuffed animal, who I creatively named Bunny [it is a bunny. lol.]
• Evil supernatural things
• The dark
• The stretchmarks on my butt and hips

Childhood Struggles Storybook Project: Imagery Collage Example

Click to enlarge, as always. These are mostly examples, but they were kind of therapeutic. I'm not really into collaging, but I didn't want to do super artsy stuff that might intimidate people [and I'm not trying to be cocky, but I have found that it doesn't take very much to creatively intimidate people].

This is the image representing my struggle. More of an exploration on the idolization of white people for really... no good reason. This idolization has taken up most of my past 21 years, covering my pride for being Chinese-Canadian. Even when I was really into Anime and Japanese culture... there's still a whole lot of idolization of white people in Japanese culture, as well... as noted with the unnaturally large eyes, and lot of the blond-haired characters, among other nuances.

Oh, it cut off a little at the bottom [it says FIGHT on the bottom right]. This represents what empowers me. A whole lot more simple. What empowers me? Being. Being with friends. Dinosaurs. Robots that can love [because I always portray myself as apathetic, but I am an uber closet romantic]. Taco Bell [which humorously relates to my serious coming to terms and appreciating being Chinese]. Cute animals. Food. Bacon. Foooooddddd. More fooodddd. More cute animals. Animals with inappropriate names. Cartoons. Silly tattoos. Science magazines. Comic books. The APAHE conference! Oh. I totally didn't put the MCC on there. D8 The MCC IS the exploration lol

In other news, I made some okay curry today, but I undercooked the rice. WAH WAHHHHHHH

Sketchbook Update

Lots, but still lacking in quantity and whatever quality means

Randomly bought Ata/Toast's art collection book for like $15 at a half off bookstore in Berzerkley. TOTALLY AWESOME FIND. His work is really intricate and novel [he was one of the forerunners of the more 3D style typography graffiti movement]. And his real people sketches are fluid and human. Love ittttt. Not a big fan of his vector work, but I'll admit that it is INSANELY INTRICATE. I'm just not big on vectors in general.

Was inspired to do weird abstract things. The above reminds me of... some painter... but I am really bad at remembering names of painters. I am totally going to fail art history whenever I decide to take it.

I was experimenting, but this 3D type graffiti stuff is really difficult! I was gonna write Hellxia, but then my professor was talking about Edgar Heap of Birds [who gave an eye-opening lecture about his art, and he had two great shows in town], so I started writing Heap at first... lol

More experimentation inspired by Toast.

Quick studies of my own hand. My new schtick is to make still lifes AS FAST AS POSSIBLE because I hate still lifes, but I desperately need the practice... but I also need to start SEEING the still lifes that I'm drawing. What's the point of making a photo-realistic copy if I don't even learn anything from it because I'm so focused on abstract details? 

Copying Toast's hand studies. Iono how he makes it so natural.

Was reading some of Chad Sweeney's Parables of Hide and Seek. I won't analyze poems unless guided by an instructor, but I really like the imagery I get from his words.

I wish I could draw the things I visualize. One day.

Oh hey, look, it's that racist kid from elementary school! Thanks for the 16-ish years of hate!

I didn't intend for her to look like she's jerkin her gerkin, which doesn't make sense anyway. Her hands were in her pockets. That's how us lonely people dance. We do it for ourselves. 

One of the images inspired by learning about Asians in the Dream Act at the APAHE conference. I hope to one day make a painting out of it. I think I was thinking about wanting these undocumented students to gather together to rally against injustices against them... but then if they did, then it'd just be easier for the government to incarcerate them and send them back to cultures in which they no longer feel belonging. ALLIES MUST FIGHT! Somehow.

He was gross anyway, good riddance, boy-I-never-got-to-know!

Composition sketches for a Life Painting hw assignment. Supposed to paint 1. a hand, a foot, and a face 2. two hands and a foot or 3. two feet and a hand. And have some kind of environment. I guess.

haha I'm a pervert lol 

I'm compulsive when it comes to the skin on my fingertips.

Trina and I! Walking to the art lab. We are friends and mentors and students of life!

I'm not really sure why I started drawing this, but it started as legs, and then a face, and uh, well I guess that's all there really is. I guess I could say that it's about the exoticism of "Asian" women in American society, and the exoticism of "White" people by a bunch of Asian cultures. It's weird and stupid. 

Weird and stupid like this HYPERVENTILATING UNICORN and koffing. My band members rejected Lin's idea for a band name. I am sad. So very sad.

Sad like these eyes that are crying. Made this and the below image for a fellow intern's Queer People of Color: Liberation Through Journaling program.

I'm so hipster, I know, right? 

On Being Asian

Two things: 

1. My current big project: Childhood Struggles Storybook. It is a collection of stories and images of anything students, faculty, and staff from my school consider to be childhood struggles. Racism, ableism, homophobia, bed wetting, anything.
1. The project was inspired by my explorations in my first semester as a Social Justice Art Intern at my campus' Multi-Cultural Center. 
2. I can't recall exactly how it all started... but it ended up with the questions, "Why am I so apathetic? Why do I hate being Asian? How can I have a better relationship with my mum?"
3. And then I realized how it mostly all started... 
1. Asian stereotype truth: The raised level of expectations for success by society and by parents. The fear of not maintaining that level. 
2. Comparing my friend's families with mine. Caucasian people seemed to be so cool with relaxed rules. Asian people seemed to always be brutally strict. I don't remember having African American friends, and I only remember a Mexican boy [or maybe he was Latino or Hispanic or mixed or something] and some older mixed girls that may have been part African American or Hispanic that bullied me. 
3. The racist bullying that led to much alienation and social awkwardness.
2. APAHE Conference (Asian Pacific Americans in Higher Education)
1. An incredible experience that I was fortunate enough and grateful to be invited and sponsored to attend. 
2. I didn't know what to expect, but in the end, I learned SO MUCH about subject matters I have been completely ignorant of my whole life! 
3. I learned about:
1. The underrepresentation of Asian Pacific Americans (APAs) in American society, particularly in the school systems where students are looking for mentors and people that they can relate to and, put simply, people that look like them.
1. The decline in numbers of APAs rising beyond faculty/staff positions in higher education (HE), while other minorities continue to rise beyond those faculty/staff positions. 
2. The invisibility of APAs
1. A lot of people think, "Oh, the Asians are doing fine. They're smart and successful. They don't need any help. They're not going through any struggles." FALSE.
2. I didn't even know there were Asians involved in the Dream Act. People that grew up in America. People that don't have any other "Asian" cultures to go back to. People that just want to go to school. 
3. "Asian" being an all-encompassing westernized concept. There is no single "Asian." There are Chinese, Vietnamese, Korean, Japanese, Hmong, Taiwanese, Thai, Cambodian, Laotian, etc. Although, I suppose "White" or "Caucasian" are also westernized concepts, as there are English, German, Dutch, Swiss, Russian, Polish, etc. 
4. How easy it is to simply ask, "May I join you?" Which is by far both the one giant leap for me. 
4. I think I was the only undergrad there. I met:
1. Older generations that shared their experiences with their own stereotypical Asian parents and the coinciding pressures.
2. Activists fighting to represent APAs in HE and elsewhere.
3. Authors, lawyers, deans, professors, librarians, artists, HUMAN BEINGS. 
4. People that reminded me of my own mother. People that face the injustices our very own society creates and perpetuates that stop us before we can even step on the doormat because of our almond-shaped eyes, our squished noses, our imperfect English, our yellow skin [or "olive complexion," as Kansas Rep. Connie O'Brien said], our equal skills that are seen as a threat to All-American jobs, our unrecognizable American patriotism, and our courage to keep fighting against the grain [which is culturally looked down upon, but we do it anyway because it is all we can do!]. 
5. Encouragement and openness to explaining matters that everyone else but the art undergrad [why is she even here?] already knows.
5. I was inspired:
1. To make some new paintings surrounding the Dream Act and the Vincent Chin case.
2. To become a teacher [whaaat, right?]
3. To make an effort to be more aware of issues in the APA community, and hopefully to become an active representative later on in life [as a teacher and artist].

///

AND SO, here are some truly thought-provoking questions [and my current responses that I hope to dwell upon and explore more] that my coworker, Megan, asked me after practicing our spiels for our project/program events. 

What stereotypes do/did you have of Asian-American’s?

• The following are mostly stereotypes I've had within my family, but that I have associated to Asian American/Canadian stereotypes. 
• Study hard, get success. Get bad grades, get humiliation and dishonor. 
• Bad grades = anything less than an A [ie: A- is not included]
• Study is first priority
• Hang out with friends later on in life, study now. Besides, you can't trust your friends to help you anyway. 
• Men are evil. Mostly Chinese men, then maybe blacks, then other minorities, and then whites. 
• Get a professional degree, achieve great financial success [whatever that means], support self-financially, then maybe you get married, but ONLY AFTER financially supporting self
• Don't talk to strangers, they will rape and kill you
• Eat rice, use soy sauce, yadda yadda asian food
• Take shoes off before walking around in house
• Asians are smart. Parents are strict. 
• Asians are skinny. 
• If you look like a punk, then you are stupid
• Judgement, constantly, always
• Bad driving
• Pandas
• Karate
• Born with knowledge of how to use chopsticks
• No sense of direction
• Can't understand sarcasm

What does it mean to be Chinese-American?

• [I am more proud of being Chinese-Canadian, but I have lived my life Chinese-American, just for clarification]
• It used to mean
• Study. Be smart. Get a professional degree. The end. 
• It now means
• I'm a human being who identifies with multiple cultural heritages/backgrounds. 
• I have to strive hard for success, but I get to define what success means. 
• I have to compromise with certain conflicting aspects of my different cultural backgrounds.
• I will try somehow to repay my parents not simply for what they have given me, but for the support [beyond the multitude of struggles] and dedication they have shown for me. 
• I have to learn how to appreciate my cultures [so far, very rewarding!]

Consider what you learned about the lived experience of Asian Americans at the conference you just attended?

• It's not just kids like me that go through these stereotypical Asian parent pressures. Even my parents may have gone through things like this. We are all human beings and we all come from similar and different places. 
• Not all Asian people are judgmental. And even if they are, that doesn't mean that they can't still learn to be open-minded. 
• There are people that don't speak English perfectly that are still networking and communicating in all these different outlets, like at schools and conferences. They are so proud, even when the stereotypes and pressures of society AND THEIR CULTURE tells them that they should be ASHAMED of their own CULTURE. 
• I'm not alone and my generation is not alone. This touches me the most. 

How have you been taught to see Chinese-American’s?

• Before
• Frugal
• Passive
• Judgmental 
• Mean, mean, mean
• Cook delicious foods
• Have sharp voices
• Stereotypical Chinese facial features
• Successful 
• Skinny
• Manipulative
• Don't like other Asians, but not as much as Koreans stereotypically don't like other Asians
• Currently
• Well, I still have a lot of the same stereotypes, but I'm becoming more open to the idea of Chinese Americans being HUMAN BEINGS coming from all sorts of different places. 

How did the conference break your expectations? Did they confirm your expectations? What kind of diversity did you see? How did people express themselves?

• I didn't actually have any expectations... except to learn and meet new people, and that expectation was DEFINITELY CONFIRMED. 
• And I guess I didn't expect to be the youngest one there. 
• There was a wide diversity of Asian cultures present, and a few allies. Mostly people over 30. I can't remember if there were more women or men... but in most of the presentations I went to, there were mostly women [especially in the workplace bullying discussion!!!].
• People were more or less really open. Some of them were even really... aggressive in wanting to share their stories lol Everyone seemed to understand the plights of APAHE. 
• Oh, and one thing I did notice... I'm not sure if it was because I was sleep deprived or not, but some people were REALLY DIFFICULT to understand. Like, not because of accents, but in the way that they presented their ideas??? It seemed like sometimes people would jump around subjects while grappling with them?? I'm not sure, but it was a lot less straightforward, which I believe is a cultural and generational thing. 

What influence of assimilation and Anglo-centric norms and your own perception of your cultural heritage led you to begin to want to seek deeper meaning than the stereotypical ignorant notions of what it means to be both Chinese and an American woman living in the United States?

• I always idolized/idealized WHITE PEOPLE. Maybe because my step-dad is white [not actually sure what his ethnic origins are] and has been the stereotypical chill white dad. Although, I think it's kind of funny that he is passive aggressive and my mum is... well, she is also passive aggressive, but I feel that she really tries hard to talk about things. I'm pretty sure this is because of the city I grew up in. Something about it. Weird. 
• White people are the dominant majority. White people just get grounded, but "grounded" is just what regular studying was to me, in retrospect. You know, now that I think about it, I don't know why I idolize white people. They're not that great. They're not that different. Yeah, they have privileges that I can't have because of the way I look. So I'm jealous of that, I guess. 
• I always made fun of being Asian. I called myself white-washed. I used to not eat rice very often, nor use chopsticks, nor drink tea. I related to all the youtube videos and internet memes that made fun of Asian parents. I can still relate, but I don't enjoy it all the time like I used to. 
• I relate my experiences with TACO BELL to my experiences with coming to terms with being Asian. 
• I used to hate Taco Bell. Why? Because... their bathrooms stunk. WHAT? A BIG FAST FOOD CHAIN'S BATHROOMS STUNK?
• I used to hate being Asian. Why? Because... the stereotypes, the pressure of expectations, the perceived parental oppression [which was brought up in one of the APAHE presentations... it's mostly in our heads. Most of the time.].
• I gave Taco Bell a chance. Why? I can't remember, but Sola and I hung out there a lot. And I LOVED IT. 
• I am giving being Asian a chance. Why? Because I'm tired of HATING MYSELF for EXISTING. And I'm starting to really appreciate my culture and existing now. 
• THE MULTI-CULTURAL CENTER IS AMAZING. So much guidance and pushing to explore the WHAT'S and WHY'S. 

Life Painting Homework Week 2

First I tried it with a half inch brush, which was shitty. and then I tried it with a nice blending brush. Much easier. Still not great. Spent maybe 5-15 min on each of these? Acrylics.

IN REVERSE ORDER

the blending brush

One of my eyes seems to be sinking on my face. In real life. I don't know.

Learned more about shadows. Not sure how to make it not look like a cut off section though on the forearm there. Fucked up the fingers 8[

the 1/2 in brush

Eek. Guess I wasn't really paying attention either.

Oh yeah, and behind that on my whiteboard is something my friend Trina drew and wrote. She is sort of like a life mentor now! We talk about art and what it means to be Asian and stuff. Next year, we might have a show together!

ALIVE

Oh photoshop, I have missed you.

Might revisit this again. Noticing things that I can fix. 

I said the other day that female figures portrayed with only the torso, no head, no arms, no legs, an object, really... I said it was overdone. And it is. 

But my recent explorations involve how I, a person of Asian descent, grew up with these Barbie dolls... which aren't even good role models for White people. And in dealing with my internalized racism, I've realized that it is wrong to like being Asian because it is "exotic" or whatever. I should like it for the culture, for the people. Mmm for the food.